"It's a very safe space when you are vulnerable... Everybody's story is valid and valued."

Tim recalls the first time he was physically attacked was two months after he got married. Tim, his wife, and two young children had recently moved to their new family home. “I thought it was bonkers and I played it down”, he explains, “because she told me she it was the stress of the move, and she was anxious”.

Unfortunately, over the next several years this pattern of behaviour continued and at times took the form of emotional abuse, with comments like “you’re not a real man”, and financial abuse when the joint account needed for bills was being used for frivolous items. At first, Tim did not even consider he could be a victim of abuse and continued to support his partner as best he could, “I tried to make it work and it backfired on me, a victim of my own success”.

Things reached a crisis point when his partner called the police on Tim, falsely accusing him of hitting her. Despite trying to explain the situation, the police arrested Tim, taking him to the police station to be interviewed before being told he could not return to his home. He had nowhere else to go. “I was just left out of the house, with no support or provision. It was abuse, but I was told this is the law, because I had been labelled as the perpetrator”. Tim slept out of his car and on friend’s sofas before managing to secure a rental property. This left him under considerable financial strain as he was having to pay for his rental property and the mortgage on the family home.

I was just left out of the house, with no support or provision. It was abuse, but I was told this is the law.

Contact with his kids became very difficult. Social care had become involved following the arrest, and although all charges were dropped, Tim felt he was still eyed with suspicion, and it was decided his children would live with their mother. Initially there were no formal arrangements as the children’s mother was denying access. “Services were involved for two years but no one listed to my concerns. It felt like it was ok for women to have a bad day but there was a different yard stick if you were a man, we are not allowed bad days”.

Tim’s mood dropped significantly, he was struggling to focus at work, found eating and sleeping difficult, and began isolating himself from his friends and family.

A turning point for Tim came when he was put in touch with an independent domestic advice advocate (IDVA) who was able to provide him with practical advice and referred him to BRAVE Too, our co-produced programme designed to support emotional wellbeing. Tim attended the weekly groups for men like himself who had experienced domestic abuse. “I didn’t know what to expect when I was referred, but it was a welcome surprise. The group was polite, friendly, supportive, and accommodating. I had begun to develop issues with trusting people so for me to be there and take part in the group was a massive thing”.

After attending the group, Tim reflected: “It feels a very safe space when you are being vulnerable. That safety comes from both the facilitators but also the men who bring and support each other. It brings a type of camaraderie because everybody’s story is valid and valued. It was good to know that my case wasn’t unique, it was reassuring to know I wasn’t on my own”.

The group was polite, friendly, supportive, and accommodating.

Tim went on to attend the BRAVE Too Reunion, monthly spaces that aim to continue the links and learning made in the main group programme. “The ongoing support is invaluable. The nice thing about the space is that it is still there as we are still in it because we have children and the child’s mother is still going to be in my life. Giving us a space to be calm and recharge our resilience to then go into the wider arena elsewhere in our life is invaluable”.

Tim’s story is ongoing, but he was able to develop his awareness and learn new skills to aid in his emotional wellbeing. He now feels better equipped to manage the stresses in his life.

If you have experienced domestic abuse in the past and you would benefit from some support for how you are feeling, then please ask your support service to refer you to BRAVE Too. We accept referrals from a wide range of services across Berkshire, including but not limited to:

• Hestia
• Talking Therapies
• Cranstoun
• The Domestic Abuse Stops Here (DASH) Charity
• Victims First

Ask your support worker, social worker, or mental health professional to make a referral or contact BRAVE Too by emailing us at BRAVEToo@berkshire.nhs.uk to discuss whether the service could be helpful for you. You can also download the referral form on our dedicated BRAVE Too page and send it to the BRAVE Too email address.

If you are referring yourself or someone else, please note that they must be registered with a GP in Berkshire, living safely away from the alleged perpetrator, and not currently engaging in other forms of therapy.